I’ve had some unexpected down time lately.

I can’t say I’m enjoying it, however it’s been a bit of an awakening. What I’m taking from this space is the need to trust in myself : to trust I can survive on my own with my skill and my talents. To trust I can make the hard decisions that I may face and make the choices I need to better my life and in turn the life of those around me.

To take further financial responsibility, to study up : to arm myself with the knowledge I need to better understand the world in which I live and how to create the very brightest future for my tribe.

To fill my own potholes there.

It’s a hard look. It takes dropping my ego and getting really clear that there is always work : no matter where you are on your path. It’s meant softening into tough stuff: taking space to do for me so others can do for themselves and vice versa. Funny how God works in those ways.

For me the open is creating a tiny independence – which in the end is a muscle I really can use to exercise. To be frank: coming from a firmly committed marriage, I never felt the need to be the sole decision maker, the primary bread winner or the “head of household” as I am referred to on the FAFSA from. I am the mama. I am happy with my role. I recognize the tremendous responsibility that comes with that job and I am proud to do it well. I never wanted to do BOTH jobs however. THAT was not in the brochure. (God laughs)

I have leaned into that fear in this space. It’s been a particularly cathartic time. I’ve kicked and screamed and fought it as if my life were depending on it. Because I truly felt it was. I am not cut out for “independent” I believed. Independent sounds so very alone.

What I can say is this : each day I take ownership and work toward getting flat on “I can’t do it” is a small victory. Each step I take toward being in my truth is a blessing. Each breath I clear the fog and look toward a blue sky day (with each breath I heal)

This space which has allowed me time to “do more”, has actually been a time of “do less”. A time to fill my own potholes, to play catch up, to nurture my spirit and to get organized with what is next – looking ahead to Sophia’s graduation and a much quieter home next fall.

This space has allowed me and connect with people and places that recognize my dreams without judgement, that admire my courage and that nurture the freedom to choose the life we desire : unabashed and unwavering. For that I am especially grateful.

Where can you lean in to your fear and arm yourself with what it takes to shift that energy? Where can you dig in and get working on something you’ve been wholeheartedly avoiding? Where can you create the space to get to the one thing holding you back from living the life you were meant to live?

Thank you for the morning reminder @wandafullyoga I lean on your strength and courage from afar more than you might imagine.

Photo by Brett Duke, NOLA.com | The Times-Picayune

I just had the most eye opening understanding of why Mardi Gras is so important to me.

I remember explaining to someone how Easter took on a whole new meaning when Dean died. That my belief in Easter and Resurrection (and true GRACE – in the religious sense, not the egotistical sense) was my key to surviving it all. It meant that EVERY time I felt a sign it was Dean. That when we die we actually do go somewhere. It meant an open line of communication – forever. It meant all the stories we were told growing up about people in heaven watching over us were true. It meant all the good we did here on earth would lead us to that afterlife – and through that, we will “live” forever.

Years ago I took a World Civilizations Class. It was the most non-faith based environment. The professor explained his belief of religion, text, commandments, laws : as the way each particular faith kept order of their people. That it was a policing of sorts, to keep one coming from a place of doing the right thing. It was a great realization to me. It enabled me to see the similarities between all faith. It took my “Catholic” and turned it into “human” It halted my auto-pilot and pushed me to look at my “why” around my own practice of faith.

I was raised Catholic. I did not learn Faith in CCD. I did not learn Faith in Catholic school. I learned this sittting in the pews of Sacred Heart Church, listening to Father Doyle make sense out of something that often does not make sense. Taking concept, and making it real – for me, for Dean and in turn our children. That’s how religious education (actually) works, when we live the lessons. I am so grateful to the entire community there, for living the lessons, and in turn teaching me how to teach my own.

Lent has always been a thing for me. Going to Church (believe it or not) has always been something I value. Mind you, I have had access to one of the most profound religious speakers in all of the region, for a good long while. He’s always made sense of it. He’s always connected the book with the living.

I also know Catholic Church is a SHIT SHOW right now. This isn’t about the Catholic Church for me.

It’s about Lent, and the period of time it affords ME, to look inward, to dig deeper into my belief of Resurrection. It’s about the comfort Easter brings in KNOWING : that red bird, that construction sign, that graffiti tag, that Revivalists song, that DEVO record album stuck up in the festival office window in Miami -are all very real signs. It’s why we visit the cemetery to talk, and to celebrate, and to cry for help with things that we just can’t see through at the moment. Because we believe someone is listening, and we believe they will help us see through the muck, if we listen quietly. If we TRUST ourselves.

It’s what makes me scream HELL YES to Mardi Gras, and to everything it represents. It’s about believing that through the darkness there will be LIGHT. It’s about living, and loving and throwing caution to the wind for a few days to BE with, to celebrate to indulge, before we get quiet. It’s the spirit of New Orleans. It’s remembering life (on earth) is fleeting and we need to prioritize our living. It’s why the words Laissez Les Bons Temps Rouler are etched on the backside of Dean’s headstone.

Mardi Gras left me speechless. Like, literally. I rode that float on Mardi Gras Saturday, and did not utter more than a dozen words. I was amazed at that, believe me. All I could do was look and try my best to take in all the colorful faces that were passing before me. It was everything I had expected, and then some. There are a few things I’ll do differently next time – but all in all, it was an amazing experience. To try and recount the specific goings on would be impossible. It was in magnificent every direction imaginable.

I had so many personal realizations last weekend. So many gifts, so many conversations, so many epiphanies, in a city, amongst a culture of people whom with I have a deep deep connection. Every minute, every step, every meal, every friend. Priceless.

Thank you Karen, thank you ladies, for being for me my #1 Mardi Gras Krewe. There will never be another first, and I am so blessed to have done it right with you.

I’ll leave you all to sit with my banter (and my photos) I’m sure many will say I have it wrong, it’s about the actual Biblical teaching, it’s about studying and believing every word of the Biblical story. That I’m “not really Catholic” because I don’t do it the way “they” say. For me, it’s a time of year where I GET my faith. It’s my tool for survival, my secret weapon. My connection to things bigger than me, and the reason I stop in my tracks when out of nowhere, when I hear that red bird calling, when I see that green light.

May the quiet of this season be with you, and may you come out the other side refreshed, renewed and ready for what the world has ahead.

Oh and if you’re wondering what I’m giving up for lent…”being too busy” to do the things I need to keep myself good.

Being too busy to finish tasks, to write, to get on my mat. To busy to eat well, too busy to stop and smell the roses. I’m simplifying. I’m investing captured time in doing better – and more – of the things I love with the people that make my world go round. And you?!

I paddled this gorgeous open space today. 

It was great to be on the water. In the midst of the most different summer I’ve had in years. In one short loop I found room to be at ease with what is, what was and what will be. It was remarkable, and freeing and literally brought me to tears. stroke after stroke on that open water. 

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind; seemingly some of the shortest weeks I’ve had in a long time. Strangely they don’t seem rushed, or panicked or dreadful of summer coming quickly to an end. Instead, just content – to be doing different things, different places with different people, connecting with our forever friends, appreciating opportunities to adventure, to explore and to create amazing memories with my girls and the people we love. Making space for change, instead of fighting it. 

It’s not been easy starting over. It takes time, it takes courage and it takes forging through the unknown, on your way to who knows where, with who knows who, doing who knows what. It means making decisions to make changes, to let go of the old ways and to focus my time and energy on rebuilding our life as we see fit. It means squeezing in squeezes with old friends and with cousins, and at times not getting to everything and everyone I’d like. (despite my best efforts and a healthy Uber account) 

I’ve learned I’m much better momma with a full battery, and that I love that job, as thankless and challenging as it can be. 

The healing at times has been slow going, but they say it takes years to pick up the pieces when your life seemingly falls apart. The road has been bumpy, and exhausting, tear filled and joyous, sometimes all in one single day, but as I sat there last night under the stars, as my crazy busy day wound down, I took a deep breath and thought, “man, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now” Last night’s “right now” was perfect. 

It’s been a long time coming – that content. And just when I stopped to say it out loud, I glanced up at the television and sure enough, Dean was there, once again, literally reaching out, as he crossed the finish line of the Broad Street Run, just a few short weeks before he passed. It was hauntingly evident – in the surreal way that you know when you know. It’s so cool to get live feedback, to continuously get cosmic high fives from the other side. They’ve been more frequent, more defined, more for sure unmistakably REAL.

I suppose its the space I’ve cleared as of late and the open pathway that was created his last days with us. It’s good to feel seen, it’s good to feel that while we are missing our main man here with us for the good stuff day in and day out, he’s always with us, and that he always, always has our back.

I’m excited for the new school year to begin, for the girls to be together, for my new workspace in Camden, my projects in Ardmore and whatever new endeavors might come my way. I’m excited for new beginnings, new goals, new dreams and ideas. Im am so grateful to have all of you along for the ride. 

Thank you Universe, for slowing me down enough to see clearly, for pointing me in the right direction and for landing me amongst some of the most generous and wonderful friends and family on the planet. For that, and today’s vast back bay paddle I am truly blessed. 

  Life is busy, kids are growing and my attention has been focused inside our four walls. It’s been healing, it’s been necessary, it’s been incredibly grounding.
Somehow this year, with working at Sacred Heart School, running the girls and the busy of Christmas all of the sudden I feel reinvigorated. It feels right. I am so excited to jump back in and play! 

I’ve always work best under pressure, although it would be nice to have some time management skills. (put that on the list for 2016 please) The energy of crunch time almost always works in my favor. Pair that with a good bass line, a strong horn section, a night dancing with my people and some of my favorite faces coming together on their mats for a greater cause – it really doesn’t get any better. YOGAROCKSLIVE is just that. 
I’m a lucky girl – to have the people in my corner who remind me of what I am up to, who jump hoops to help me get it all done and who celebrate success with a nice glass of red and a head shake – a very lucky girl. 

Wishing you all the good energy you need to get your errands and wrapping and cooking and busy done just in time to spend the days ahead with the people you love. Turn up the music, dance around the kitchen and remember what this life is all about. Dust off your wings, sit back and enjoy the wonderful lives YOU have created. 
Good, bad, indifferent, we are all above ground and there is the brand new blank slate of 2016 just a few short days ahead. 

I’m looking so forward to well paced Christmas with my people, a nice long break with my girls and kicking off the New Year with our YOGAROCKSLIVE event at AMH. A perfect culmination of all things good in my world. 
BIG LOVE and a Falalalala your way, N

I think the hardest thing so far about losing your spouse is the un surety and second guessing that goes along with it. In particular when it comes to raising my children.

I find myself contemplating decisions much longer, worrying whether I’m doing a good enough job, pushing them hard enough, being sensitive to their hearts and really giving them the very best life that I can. I imagine a lot of people feel this way, It just SEEMS more prevalent than before.

Maybe it’s their age, or the intensity of their sports, maybe it’s that I recognize their full potential before they even know they have it in them, maybe it’s my own ego playing the not good enough game. All of the pressures kids face these days, at times it can be overwhelming.

My mind is constant and in these places, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone. I suppose people feel this way in divorce as well, I can’t compare. I don’t know, really. Everyone has their own story.

I look for signs all the time: a cardinal, a song, a moment of stillness. Anything that can tell me YES! You are moving in a good direction, making the right decisions, keep going, you’re good, you got this.

I remember my own core values: family, travel, passion, connection, loyalty, leadership – and stand solidly in their foundation. When you go back to the basics, all things fall into place – or fall aside. Dance with your heart and your feet will follow – isn’t that what they say?

I talk with my people, my family, my friends. My army of True North – who know me, my girls and some even Dean. They listen, and listen, and hash it all out with me, sometimes guiding, sometimes commiserating, sometimes just standing with me in the unknown.

I watch my girls from afar quite often. It’s something I secretly cherish: observing the people I love doing what they love to do. It puts a smile on my face in the simplest way, like when you catch a reflection of light, when they SHINE. In those moments, I know were are OK.

I am one lucky mama, who has the most amazing yet difficult job of keeping my two shining stars on track and true to their hearts. I miss their Dad, and his laugh and his unending palpable love for them. I believe he is with us, watching, guiding from “above” truly I do. I believe our path is our path, and that God has our back. I have Faith, and in that knowing, everything has its place. It’s in the hustle of the doing, the busy, the everyday grind, that I forget for a moment my Faith.

Sometime though, when I can slow down and finally breathe – at the end of the day, of the week of the summer – before I lay my head down to rest – I get quiet and I know this: as long as I did my very best that given day and my children know how much they are loved, I am good.

I love Danielle LaPorte although recently, I’ve found myself  avoiding her books and daily updates because she empowers me to be great, and lately, it’s been feeling ok to be not so “great” and just hide away. It’s been feeling ok to go with the flow, with what’s easy, with what’s comfortable, yet sometimes completely different than I’ve known. I’d been describing the feeling as stuck for a while. I’m in the ebb, I think. That might describe it best, at least every other weekend or so. If I close my eyes and block out all the voices, the ebb tricks me into feeling ok.

Its not all bad “the ebb” It’s allowed me to stop and feel the sunshine on my skin, to go to sleep (seriously lights out) before 9pm once in a while just because, to enjoy being home – for a few days at a time – in the big house, even if it’s a perfect beach day. To focus on new experiences, rather than force the same old. To heal more, to find my footing. To figure out how to make decisions with my high school athlete, and to lean on my people for help in navigating this new way of living with the girls. We all hate change, and school sports stifling our family time, is maddening. But alas, I’ve finally surrendered. It seems like I’m doing a good job, of making my way in this world, and I am.

But then, I catch a glimpse of some witty post, or truthbomb or worse – get on my mat, and there it is: undeniable, blaring. Why I am playing small? What am I waiting for? know I’m bigger, I know I’m more capable, I know I’m deserving of all good things, yet I choose sit back and wait.

The problem is we think we have time. For the tides to turn, for the wind to pick up. We wait for the perfect moment, for them to say it first, we wait to make changes, and to chase our wildest dreams. We wait when we know what is right, and worse when we know that it’s wrong. We see the other side, the better ways the bigger picture yet we wait. We know exactly what we want, yet we’re afraid to ask.

I create timelines in my head, deadlines of sorts, and then I slide them. I’m afraid to take the risks, to commit to something new, to put myself out there, to see and be seen. Ive been cautious in committing to what’s next, in fear, I believe of feeling overwhelmed by responsibility. I’m not sure if it’s the age of the girls, their sudden independence, the absence of their father or a mix of all three, but it makes for some tough decision making on my part for sure. I’ve been cautious in speaking my mind, in sharing my heart, in putting myself in the vulnerable situation that feels risky. We all do it. We’re all guilty. I’ve spent countless hours talking people into “do it now” and yet I can’t do it myself. Funny. Eventually, it affects my well being, I lose sleep, I question my place in the world and begin to feel that if I do not get it out I will burst.

This week after the blue moon I’ve been tying up loose ends, cleaning up messes, engaging in tough conversations, and uneasy visits to free some space in my heart. It’s unnerving, it’s messy and I’m sure it’s got a few heads spinning sideways. I’m forcing conversations, I’m firming my ground and taking a stand for what’s possible – once again.

As I sit on this beach, second guessing a few emails, I’m reminded of one of the greatest lessons Dean Cucinotta taught me. He used ask himself, and me, on a daily basis when he was sick:

How can we make this day even better?
How can we love each other more?
What can we let go of, overcome and forgive in order to make more space for the good stuff?
How can we capture a lifetime of living in five short years?
What more can we possibly squeeze in?
He’d say,” Stop wasting time, it’s never ever on our side.” And man oh man was he right.

More joy.
Move love.
More fun.
No more hiding.

Today, I can feel it rising. It’s like a groundswell out of nowhere and it’s a powerful thing. Im blessed beyond measure to have these lessons in my bones. That’s the thing about cellular memory, you can only trick your heart for so long, eventually living BIG wins.

Thank you Danile LaPorte for your newsfeed, for unknowingly showing up in my inbox just when I need you. Thank you for your bravery, and your insight and for the gentle nudge to remember who I am. For you, and many others, I am grateful.