October 2019 – LIVING IN THE WINDOW

I’ve had some unexpected down time lately.

I can’t say I’m enjoying it, however it’s been a bit of an awakening. What I’m taking from this space is the need to trust in myself : to trust I can survive on my own with my skill and my talents. To trust I can make the hard decisions that I may face and make the choices I need to better my life and in turn the life of those around me.

To take further financial responsibility, to study up : to arm myself with the knowledge I need to better understand the world in which I live and how to create the very brightest future for my tribe.

To fill my own potholes there.

It’s a hard look. It takes dropping my ego and getting really clear that there is always work : no matter where you are on your path. It’s meant softening into tough stuff: taking space to do for me so others can do for themselves and vice versa. Funny how God works in those ways.

For me the open is creating a tiny independence – which in the end is a muscle I really can use to exercise. To be frank: coming from a firmly committed marriage, I never felt the need to be the sole decision maker, the primary bread winner or the “head of household” as I am referred to on the FAFSA from. I am the mama. I am happy with my role. I recognize the tremendous responsibility that comes with that job and I am proud to do it well. I never wanted to do BOTH jobs however. THAT was not in the brochure. (God laughs)

I have leaned into that fear in this space. It’s been a particularly cathartic time. I’ve kicked and screamed and fought it as if my life were depending on it. Because I truly felt it was. I am not cut out for “independent” I believed. Independent sounds so very alone.

What I can say is this : each day I take ownership and work toward getting flat on “I can’t do it” is a small victory. Each step I take toward being in my truth is a blessing. Each breath I clear the fog and look toward a blue sky day (with each breath I heal)

This space which has allowed me time to “do more”, has actually been a time of “do less”. A time to fill my own potholes, to play catch up, to nurture my spirit and to get organized with what is next – looking ahead to Sophia’s graduation and a much quieter home next fall.

This space has allowed me and connect with people and places that recognize my dreams without judgement, that admire my courage and that nurture the freedom to choose the life we desire : unabashed and unwavering. For that I am especially grateful.

Where can you lean in to your fear and arm yourself with what it takes to shift that energy? Where can you dig in and get working on something you’ve been wholeheartedly avoiding? Where can you create the space to get to the one thing holding you back from living the life you were meant to live?

Thank you for the morning reminder @wandafullyoga I lean on your strength and courage from afar more than you might imagine.

I was sorting through my google drive this morning, and came across some writing of Dean’s. There were so many lessons we learned through his suffering. So many practices we put into place to make the most of the time we had together. Always keeping things on the bright side. I would often fire questions off to him or give him homework assignments when I saw things looking down. Dean was a little dark if you let him slip. With time against usI felt it imperative to keep focused on what could make us most happy. Here’s a good one: a bit of his writing, and a bit of my edit. Sort of like a ghostwriter in the realest sense of the term. I hope it brings a smile to those who miss him most and gives everyone else a sense intention on this summer like hump day in New Jersey.

What makes me feel alive?

(Ok so let’s do it different. Not sure sure how many times I’ve said that but Nikki gave me an assignment so let’s try it)

I feel alive when:

Dropping in and a backhand Indo barrel at Ulus (I guess it’s finding your edge…the limit…when you are pushing the being alive part)

Surviving the next set of scans

Seeing the sun, feeling the sun, being in the ocean facing your fears

To feel alive. Facing your fears and challenging them. Know your physical limits – however that’s not your limiting factor – you’re only limiting factor are your excuses.

Being in California:

Things are green here (California) I like that. You can grow things in your yard and eat them. I like that. This happens all year long. I like that.

They have all three seasons in one day. Just be prepared.

Sitting in the kitchen with Nikki and Hil while they talk, cook and laugh. That makes me feel alive. The little things, Bearing witness to the moments.

Setting expectations: realistic expectations and prioritizing what is most important:

“Dads are supposed to be brave. Consider the things you want to pass on to your kids.Set a good example. Promote honesty and ask if you don’t understand. Be kind and be strong! (strong like bull) try and hear more than say more, try to feel more and Pray some too. – I worry I wont be able to instill all the lessons I want instill in the girls. Life is fleeting. Make a list. Face that truth – create action around it. That makes me feel alive. Intentional living.”

Seizing the moment:

“New break. Love seaside Cardiff by the sea. Today had it all. Little rippers Jersey style and John was getting Gianna and Fia in on some bombing rights. As I sat with Nick grabbing this little left on the corner of the channel with a perfect view of the girls ripping down the line working on their backhand. They probably had 5 years of East Coast experience in two days. Wish I had a Go-pro for me it was fantastic to experience for real. For my girls this will probably not be as memorable as some future trip.”

These are the literal – alive which is a good start – and certainly are actual as they are personal challenges that allow us to learn about ourselves and what we do.

In the past few days, I’ve had several people ask when I will get back to teaching yoga. My response has been : I’m not ready. I have no words. My yoga has been life these days as it actually always is. The practice of Yoga (Asana) arms us with the tools we need to face our everyday challenges. The work we do on our mat, we take into our lives.

What Makes You Feel Alive? A question I will often raise while keeping a room in the most difficult pose : the long warrior holds (for those of you have have often been in my class) rooting down through your right big toe mound, widening your foot and peeling your arch from the floor. Grounding the blade of your left foot behind you, energizing you quads, softening your knees, dropping your shoulders, lengthening your neck, while staring down your right middle finger and growing your arms by an inch or three.

Facing Adversity. Reminding ourselves what we’re up to.

What Makes You Feel Alive?