gamma knife – LIVING IN THE WINDOW

Looks like I’m gonna’ work right up to another Gamma Knife procedure. Knife-less brain surgery. Friday. Here in Philly (thanks for the new machine!) I have a Neuro Surgeon, a Radiation Oncologist and a Physicist together in a room, and a four pinned head gear that is screwed to my head. They’ll put me in the machine, and stand on the other side of the glass. It can take a few hours. I have scars from the first procedure, the next two were not as damaging. W’ell wait and see what lucky 13 leaves, more battle wounds to wear.

The primary job – eliminate my latest brain tumor, number 13, by sending a very high dose of radiation to the tumor from several different directions…don’t move! Yikes! The machine is like all the others – loud, big and f#*$@% scary! Its been a shift for me to be ok in these machines…I can do it, but there are scars…scars on my head, that will heal but each time, life is different. Maybe I should get a tattoo on my head that says AIM HERE! or some sort of mark to indicate the point of impact. That would be good, a henna, so it’s there for a bit. Just for fun – for a bit…why not?

Sophia asked me why there was paperwork from Cleveland Clinic on my desk. The kids are sharp…we try and keep life as normal and this is what we do now (we also do tons of fun stuff) there’s work to do, treatments to go to appointments weekly. I try and present these events as a job and not get too emotional, however it can be difficult for me to handle. It is brain surgery for God’s sake and yes I have had it three times already…but you never get used to this stuff. ever.

What was in those twelve portions of by brain did I not need? They blast them with so much radiation that that part of my brain is gone! Was I using that for something? Is it something like my appendix? Something I can go without it? I have a hard time remembering names, but I’m also just getting old. 12 pieces gone, one more on the way out…what did they do? I’m working full time-top of my game, playing music, paying bills, taking out the trash. Makes one wonder…

The side effects, yea them, go ahead and challenge my balance, take my surfing away, sailing, snowboarding, and skateboarding with my girls, yea – NO.

Challenging my balance is dropping in at Ulwatus in Indonesia on a friends Campbell Brother Bonzer (thanks Mitch) he said it knew that wave, and it did. I’ll stick with that. Challenge my balance – Ha! I’ll beat you, you nasty little tumors. We’ve got Trestles to conquer again this Spring.

Nikki suggests I consider the almost thirteen sections of brain were not serving me. Maybe they held all of my bad memories, and fears, and doubts, and without them I can be free of their burden. Wouldn’t that be nice. Less burden. More room for fun. Yeah- I’ll go with that. More room for fun.

I think I found out what the fourth nail is for. (a placeholder nail that Eva gave me) Big scary shit over the last few weeks- the possibility that my NSCLC may have spread my spinal fluid. Apparently 50% of Lung Cancer patients end up with this as a secondary cancer – as if living with once cancer isn’t enough. (since resolved, phew! but read on.)

I’m pretty good with odds like that. I can usually beat 50%. Being the grandson of two gamblers has caused me to focus on odds numbers a little differently in terms of what they mean to me.

If in fact I do have the cancer cells in my spinal fluid they say that I have about 4 to 6 weeks to live. That’s way too short and I’m not digging the odds. Since were talking odds- here’s another crazy statistic. My particular type of cancer carries a <1% survuval rate 5 years out. It’s going to be a motherfucker of a number to beat but I will. It’s also why we don’t look at numbers.

And other nail: a 13th brain tumor to radiate. It’s been a while since I’ve had to go to Clevelad for Gamma Knife, and we’ve been so blesed. But, alas, the little mother f@#$&* is right there in the dead center of my brain. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to be bothering anything, however it is more weight to carry around.

I’ve tried to steer clear of talking about prognosis and numbers- and Corey’s been very helpful in keeping the focus on beating the odds. However, they do creep in and can be very helpful in understanding what’s important- like really important in life.

I just keep in mind what needs to be done today and prioritize things differently, like remembering to drop off $14 at the school so Gianna get the shirt that she needs, that stuff is important. Second on the list is stopping at the hardware store so I can fix my wife’s bedside light, it needs some love.

Really important.

Just the other day, after more that 4 weeks of waiting, we got the news we were hoping for – no cancer cells in the spinal fluid, just one brain tumor! One brain tumor! Awesome! – Its pretty much like standing at the craps table With Sergio and Dante aAnd a table full of family and friends, and we just rolled the hard 8.

Wow, how my perspective has changed.

We’ll keep everyone posted as to when the prcedure will be scheduled. It looks as if we can stay here in Philly this time, which is great. Should take a good bit of a Friday but, home and back in action over the weekend.

A big huge thanks you all of our amazing doctors and family and most recently the Dean Randazzo Cancer Foundation (more on that here) who consistently bend over backwards to make sure I can keep living and doing. (literally and figuartively) I have the very best team around. (more on nails here)

Game On!