goals – LIVING IN THE WINDOW

I was sorting through my google drive this morning, and came across some writing of Dean’s. There were so many lessons we learned through his suffering. So many practices we put into place to make the most of the time we had together. Always keeping things on the bright side. I would often fire questions off to him or give him homework assignments when I saw things looking down. Dean was a little dark if you let him slip. With time against usI felt it imperative to keep focused on what could make us most happy. Here’s a good one: a bit of his writing, and a bit of my edit. Sort of like a ghostwriter in the realest sense of the term. I hope it brings a smile to those who miss him most and gives everyone else a sense intention on this summer like hump day in New Jersey.

What makes me feel alive?

(Ok so let’s do it different. Not sure sure how many times I’ve said that but Nikki gave me an assignment so let’s try it)

I feel alive when:

Dropping in and a backhand Indo barrel at Ulus (I guess it’s finding your edge…the limit…when you are pushing the being alive part)

Surviving the next set of scans

Seeing the sun, feeling the sun, being in the ocean facing your fears

To feel alive. Facing your fears and challenging them. Know your physical limits – however that’s not your limiting factor – you’re only limiting factor are your excuses.

Being in California:

Things are green here (California) I like that. You can grow things in your yard and eat them. I like that. This happens all year long. I like that.

They have all three seasons in one day. Just be prepared.

Sitting in the kitchen with Nikki and Hil while they talk, cook and laugh. That makes me feel alive. The little things, Bearing witness to the moments.

Setting expectations: realistic expectations and prioritizing what is most important:

“Dads are supposed to be brave. Consider the things you want to pass on to your kids.Set a good example. Promote honesty and ask if you don’t understand. Be kind and be strong! (strong like bull) try and hear more than say more, try to feel more and Pray some too. – I worry I wont be able to instill all the lessons I want instill in the girls. Life is fleeting. Make a list. Face that truth – create action around it. That makes me feel alive. Intentional living.”

Seizing the moment:

“New break. Love seaside Cardiff by the sea. Today had it all. Little rippers Jersey style and John was getting Gianna and Fia in on some bombing rights. As I sat with Nick grabbing this little left on the corner of the channel with a perfect view of the girls ripping down the line working on their backhand. They probably had 5 years of East Coast experience in two days. Wish I had a Go-pro for me it was fantastic to experience for real. For my girls this will probably not be as memorable as some future trip.”

These are the literal – alive which is a good start – and certainly are actual as they are personal challenges that allow us to learn about ourselves and what we do.

In the past few days, I’ve had several people ask when I will get back to teaching yoga. My response has been : I’m not ready. I have no words. My yoga has been life these days as it actually always is. The practice of Yoga (Asana) arms us with the tools we need to face our everyday challenges. The work we do on our mat, we take into our lives.

What Makes You Feel Alive? A question I will often raise while keeping a room in the most difficult pose : the long warrior holds (for those of you have have often been in my class) rooting down through your right big toe mound, widening your foot and peeling your arch from the floor. Grounding the blade of your left foot behind you, energizing you quads, softening your knees, dropping your shoulders, lengthening your neck, while staring down your right middle finger and growing your arms by an inch or three.

Facing Adversity. Reminding ourselves what we’re up to.

What Makes You Feel Alive?

Even if you don’t have an end date – rest assured its not as much time as you want – so up the ante, and get moving on those dreams. Our life is now accelerated whether we want it to be or not, personally, I would vote for a much slower relaxed pace, but apparently my vote doesn’t count. Life on life’s terms, it’s a real practice – equanimity.

Our life will always be affected by the treatment schedule. Sophia is right in saying, “if Dad didn’t have cancer we certainly would have more time.” but that’s not the case, so we go on and figure out how to fit it all in. Our family’s pace may catch you by surprise, vacations and memories squeezed in to the increasingly shorter school breaks, out for music on a week night, yoga at 5:45am, work, play, band practice, chemo, coaching, games – somehow we fit it all in, seemingly creating more hours in the day. (We actually hope it becomes contagious!)

Remember, there’s no law against accelerating. Take the opportunity to use All 12 Cylinders of that Maserati to get yourself going 80. Push that excitement, the adrenaline – balance it with the speed limit, and right there alone, you create an experience. (hopefully not one of flashing lights or handcuffs) then, once you’ve reached your thrill, or run out of gas – rest, rinse and repeat.

Top on our list is traveling around the world. As parents we put that out there – homeschool the kids, work around the world for a year, visit friends, make friends, go surfing, do yoga, write a book, experience life – what could be better? Not impossible! Well – then we have the speed limit. That turns out to be the unpredictable piece, you know – when the highway ends and you come to what seems like a screeching halt, from a nice 65 to 25 in a school zone?

I was hoping February 12th was going to put me on easy street for at least six months, maybe a whole year, but no. “Let’s tie you down and throw some protons you for seven weeks.” (Maserati screeching to a stop – flashing lights, pulled over) World tour on hold and we’re required to land in Haddonfield. Dad has treatment. Time to reset the schedule, add in seven weeks and carry on, continuing to dream, and plan, and figure how in the heck we can actually pull this off??!! We’re confident, that if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen for sure. It’s a good start, California, and we’re counting the days. 18 days until sunshine, warm air, friends like family, kids in teepees, waves to ride, good laughs, bright smiles, and a much needed recharge, before those protons knock me down – before this flight is grounded, just a bit.

What’s on your list? What are your dreams? Where can you let go of things that are taking up time and create more room for living? We’d love to hear all about them! If there’s anything we’ve taken from this, its the lessons of risk taking, list making and creating time and space for what we love. Now get out there and get going – before that clock ticks on any further.

xxN&D