This one really struck me today. Nothing like a rainy Monday at a clean desk, after a full weekend of exactly what I love to get me in thinking. Plus my writing playlist is just rediculous. Actually I think it might’ve started sitting on Lea’s counter Thursday night, either way.

The New Year seems to have brought me a deeper sense of grounding and longer moments of “I think I just might be OK, I may survive this.” Although at times, it feels like new levels of grief, but in very short bursts, so that’s an improvement. It’s hard to fathom that a year and a half later this is all still unfolding.

Christmas was a process. A constant up and down, for all of us. We survived, had some magnificent surprises, and have a clearer picture of how to approach all that holiday stuff moving forward. I sent half the cards that I intended to this season, so if you didn’t get one, I either don’t know any part of your address by memory, or you are in the last third of the alphabet. That was something that went out the window with Dean’s diagnosis, the urgency and need to do everything “right” at Christmastime, and although it’s left a stack on my desk, it’s a welcomed change for sure.

The last few months I’ve learned to know when it’s real grief versus getting stuck. I can say with surety, when it’s real, its real. I’m just trying to figure out what to take from those moments, other than the energy moving through my body. Maybe that’s what it is to feel someone’s presence. It’s been the biggest gift of my yoga practice lately, an intuitive tunnel – straight to the other side. Crazy really.

I understand what’s nurturing feel good, versus escape – which I can see would be a very slippery slope to most, it’s an easily blurred line. I am blessed to be surrounded with a family of people, who let me go, and reel me back in. It’s something Dean was very very good at. Letting me flutter – a much appreciated super power.

Fairytale Land is great, the running and traveling, front row, late nights, silly summer outside dinners, beach days way past sundown, and yoga for days on end. Everything that I do to FEEL alive. I love that world, and I am a champion of justification, so there’s that. But Reality has been pretty OK lately too. This weekend in particular – lots of down time, kid time, cleaning out, dinner, music, gathering our beautiful teachers, breaking bread and a wonderfully “normalish” sunday complete with meatballs, football, good people and the Golden Globes in bed with my shorties. Glimpses of possibility and a familiar ease to life – a balance between my many worlds. home.

I’ve had the space to connect and reconnect with so many, slowly, easing my way back in to the swing of things. Back to the more familiar me. Thank you for your love and patience. Really truly, I don’t know what I would do without you. It’s been an incredible journey.

Heading into this year with my feet on the ground a bit. It feels good. My big focus for the first quarter will be developing the studio, our Fishtown Community and an excellence of balance with the girls (which right now feels like some concentrated travel time, somewhere sunny, sometime soon) more writing and more reading, replacing the heater and finishing the dining room. Funny list, right? It seems I am moving forward with a greater understanding that something new is being born, for all of us – and it feels nice.

Looking forward to many good days to come, and truly wishing you all a New Year filled with magic. May even your rainy days be bright. x