Sitting here on this crisp Sunday morning, with the sunlight warming my face, I think I can finally see the Light again. That the world holds infinite possibility, all there just waiting for us to reach out and grab it. That God or the Universe or whatever you believe, puts the the people in your life you need exactly when you need them. That the trials and roadblocks we experience are there to somehow strengthen our skills or in my case stop me in my tracks. That even true friendship ebbs and flows and that in order to keep living, we need to do exactly that, keep living.

Last week at the studio in our 40Days Program, we focused on vitality, which I had mistakenly interpreted as feeling good – vital, full of life. Sounds great, except I was feeling dead, down and not very bright – for what seemed like an eternity. I was reminded by one of MY teachers, that feeling in general was vitality, and that right then that meant feeling not so great. I sat with that. Somehow finding validation in the fact that I haven’t been able to keep my head on straight for the past few weeks. I wasn’t dead, I was just at the bottom of the barrel. And holy crap, was I feeling.

Several weeks ago I was in Colorado with my Baptiste Yoga family for a mini program of sorts and spent three days focused on getting to my mat. As expected, the process cracked my heart wide open and all the sorrow and disbelief I had been stuffing down – for years at this point, finally began to surface its ugly head. I cried for days, truly, like that cathartic gut wrenching kind of cry that makes everyone around you cry too. Rafter shaking cry. And so it began. Real grieving.

There’s no road map for grief, it doesn’t stop when you get on the plane, or when the tears dry, or even as time goes by, but for me it seems to have eased. It stings a little less, comes in shorter waves, although I know theres no telling when it might pop back up. Im very blessed, I still feel incredibly connected to Dean, in his spirit form. He sends signs and very heady warnings all the time and most times I listen. And I pray. I pray for clarity, I pray for ease , I pray that I can do this alone, I pray that his smile and gentle way will never fade from my memory, and I pray in gratitude for the people in my life. Those who forever have my back, through it all. For you I am so grateful.

The most recent sign came in the strangest form, a story for another day – but a clear wake up call. One that said, “Stop with the melancholy, get out of your head – it’s our favorite time of year in the big house. Go live, go shine, go do all the things you’ve ever dreamt of doing, Im right with you in it all. Don’t wait, don’t be heavy. You are the light that guides and shapes the two beautiful children we have created together and you have a big responsibility to show up and show them the way.” That is  #livinginthewindow I know – it seems crazy, but its true. It’s the magic of Grace. The signs are all there, we just have to listen.

So today, I stand in this: If a man can run a ten mile race six weeks before his body is ravaged by cancer, I can certainly wake up and teach yoga. I can run to buy shinguards in the middle of dinnertime traffic. I can race home for the girls and stand on the sidelines, if even just to see them for an hour.  I can make the list and I can easily and joyfully pull together Sunday dinner. I can speak to my students for my heart. I can support our team of amazing leaders who truthfully have been holding ME up these past few weeks. I can smile again and feel easy. Things that have seemed nearly impossible for the last little while.

I know in my heart it’s all there for me, just as it’s all there for you. Waiting, wishing wanting for you to find your own way, and see you own light. As my friend and teacher Phillip Urso once said, “The clouds do not put out the sun.” They only sometimes get a little heavy – but for today, today its all blue skies. I am so happy to be back in the Light.