music

on set lists

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june 2012 itrIt still happens every time. Layer after layer I go through his things – It’s not a job that I dread, it just takes commitment and care, and often a lot of thought as to who to give things to, so  – chunks of time. Crazy, 21 months later and I’m still going through things.

Today it was the little shelf under my side table. Possibly the most constant piece in my bedroom, other than my bed. The place where magic happens apparently, but a story for another time – the side table story that is.

Always a stack of books, favorites or to be read, some have tattered, from a drop or two in the bathtub. Dogeared, filled with post-it’s paperclips and things of sorts. Photos, of memories past, placed for safe keeping while traveling away from home as a daily reminder of my people. Today I found three separate catalog pages, in three separate books, all featuring the same beach towels I’ve had my eye on for years. I like what I like.

And a set-list.

Most times I know what show they were from, who we were were with, what we were celebrating – we were always celebrating. They represent so much, a little slice of time, not unlike the photographs. They hold memories recalled in my body, thats the magic in the music, its a full body experience for most.

I’ve always been a sucker for a set-list.

It’s something about being a part of that quiet frenetic energy leading up to a show, writing the night out.  The moments before. It’s a privilege to me. I’ve always felt that. In the case of In The Red, I only knew the latter days, where rehearsals would be non-existent although intended, and set-lists would be compiled over days of emails and text messages – often with cheats and notes included – the fellas are all getting old. I recently went through some messages on Dean’s phone, and the majority of emails saved were exactly that. Mindfulness in creating an experience – making sure it was as big and as much fun as we could possibly fit in the room.

(It’s a quality I admire in people and believe to hold in myself: creating a vibe, ambiance, taking care of everyone and everything, with joy from love. little things, energy, details)

What a way to live.

Looking so forward to this week’s adventure in New Orleans, filled with sweet sounds, get downs, great friends and good vibes.  There’s a piece of my soul that is only fed with the music of that city. The horns, the heat and the slow steady vibration that you can feel in the streets, the undercurrent. Tradition, history, culture and new experiences. Something about that Crescent City that will hold my heart forever. The intention and energy behind the music, the easy attitude of the people, the smiles of the faces I see but once a year, front row, loving it all as big and full as I do, like we’ve been waiting for this week all year – because we have. Right there at the edge of the stage where if you tilt you head the right way, you might just catch a peek of that setlist taped to the floor by the mic.

We’ll be missing some of our regulars, for sure, but will carry on for you, and you newbies, we just can’t wait to bring you into our world! There is just no place like New Orleans, get ready to live a little piece of your heart down south. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Monday, Monday…

nikkicuc 4 Comments

0b712aee4e58799c5702168fd62d7f66This one really struck me today. Nothing like a rainy Monday at a clean desk, after a full weekend of exactly what I love to get me in thinking. Plus my writing playlist is just rediculous. Actually I think it might’ve started sitting on Lea’s counter Thursday night, either way.

The New Year seems to have brought me a deeper sense of grounding and longer moments of “I think I just might be OK, I may survive this.” Although at times, it feels like new levels of grief, but in very short bursts, so that’s an improvement. It’s hard to fathom that a year and a half later this is all still unfolding.

Christmas was a process. A constant up and down, for all of us. We survived, had some magnificent surprises, and have a clearer picture of how to approach all that holiday stuff moving forward. I sent half the cards that I intended to this season, so if you didn’t get one, I either don’t know any part of your address by memory, or you are in the last third of the alphabet. That was something that went out the window with Dean’s diagnosis, the urgency and need to do everything “right” at Christmastime, and although it’s left a stack on my desk, it’s a welcomed change for sure.

The last few months I’ve learned to know when it’s real grief versus getting stuck. I can say with surety, when it’s real, its real. I’m just trying to figure out what to take from those moments, other than the energy moving through my body. Maybe that’s what it is to feel someone’s presence. It’s been the biggest gift of my yoga practice lately, an intuitive tunnel – straight to the other side. Crazy really.

I understand what’s nurturing feel good, versus escape – which I can see would be a very slippery slope to most, it’s an easily blurred line. I am blessed to be surrounded with a family of people, who let me go, and reel me back in. It’s something Dean was very very good at. Letting me flutter – a much appreciated super power.

Fairytale Land is great, the running and traveling, front row, late nights, silly summer outside dinners, beach days way past sundown, and yoga for days on end. Everything that I do to FEEL alive. I love that world, and I am a champion of justification, so there’s that. But Reality has been pretty OK lately too. This weekend in particular – lots of down time, kid time, cleaning out, dinner, music, gathering our beautiful teachers, breaking bread and a wonderfully “normalish” sunday complete with meatballs, football, good people and the Golden Globes in bed with my shorties. Glimpses of possibility and a familiar ease to life – a balance between my many worlds. home.

I’ve had the space to connect and reconnect with so many, slowly, easing my way back in to the swing of things. Back to the more familiar me. Thank you for your love and patience. Really truly, I don’t know what I would do without you. It’s been an incredible journey.

Heading into this year with my feet on the ground a bit. It feels good. My big focus for the first quarter will be developing the studio, our Fishtown Community and an excellence of balance with the girls (which right now feels like some concentrated travel time, somewhere sunny, sometime soon) more writing and more reading, replacing the heater and finishing the dining room. Funny list, right? It seems I am moving forward with a greater understanding that something new is being born, for all of us – and it feels nice.

Looking forward to many good days to come, and truly wishing you all a New Year filled with magic. May even your rainy days be bright. x

My Upside Down World

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In Feburary 2010, at 44 years young, in the prime of my life and just after completing my first marathon, my life turned upside down.

Cancer.

Stage Four.

Shit.

“Living in the window” is a saying we have created to describe our lives between scans – our bright spots, in between the periodic check points, the chemo, the radiation, the traveling to other cities for treatment, the prescriptions, the paperwork, the lost time in CVS, the exhaustion, and the tears.

Looking “in the window” you’ll find our a-ha moments, our places of respite and recharge, our stories of love and adventure, soccer teams and late night shows.  That time “in the window” is our time to connect with those we love, when we have the energy, and can carve out the time, and just live, carefree, even if just for a moment.

Sometimes the space is defined by good news – which makes that slice of time is a celebration, sometimes it’s another challenge ahead. Either way, we try to keep our gaze forward, living a little bit BIGGER and BRIGHTER each day, and focusing on the stuff that really matters.

Stop in, see what were up to, discover some new music, connect with our resources, catch up on my treatment, follow our adventures and be INSPIRED  as we continue “LIVING IN THE WINDOW”

Summer Lovin’

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sumer livin'\

Sorry its been a while- we’ve been really busy living it up the past few months and trying to squeeze every bit of loving fun in that we can! We’ve come to refer to it as living in the window. The stretch of life between Dean’s scans. The small break in reality that we give ourselves to counter the stress of dealing with this crazy disease.  The most recent window has been filled with soccer games and sailboats, band practice and birthdays, living in the moment and loving even bigger. We’ve been so blessed with opportunities to do and see and to share the world with our girls.The transition form New York back to Philly for treatment was bittersweet, although much less taxing on the family, its never good when the medicine stops working. It typically means a few weeks of scrambling to find a new plan, lots of collaboration of the nurses and docs and inevitably a new schedule to get used to.

Which brings us to the latest update-

We counted tumors this week- 22 in all. Sounds like a lot for sure. Even still, this comes as good news. All 22 pesky tumors are contained to Deans lungs and haven’t moved anywhere else. If you saw him sing a few weeks ago- you’d never believe it. He is starting to feel a bit fatigued at times,  and squeezing in the fun takes a bit more effort, but he’s still quick to paddle out in the ocean, launch the boat w the girls, and dream up the next big adventure. Work has been going fairly well, and his team at Boeing is so tremendously supportive, but with the latest developments and the transition to a new protocol, it looks like some time off is in the cards.

Well take the next few weeks to get set on a new trial, possibly taking is back to Sloane or Duke, refill our tanks for this next round of treatments and conquer the lists of things we want to do this summer. Something we suggest everyone do- making the list, not quite as far reaching as a bucket list, more like things you want to do but don’t make the time. Dean’s has sailing the sunfish in a race, Sophia will be working on getting barreled (if the summer flats don’t hit too soon!) Gianna wants to have a friend stay with us at the beach for two nights, and I’ll be making blueberry jam. The lists go on, insuring that we make the most out of our time this summer, and that everyone gets to share in the fun!
Well be spending our time in Ocean City, and taking a few road trips up the coast visiting with friends, and seeing the sights.

Please continue to pray for Dean and add to list his mother, Angela Hawes. She is currently in the ICU at Our Lady of Lourdes after complications from her recent knee replacement. While she is in stable condition, she has a long road ahead.  Thanks for all  your good thoughts and kind words! They mean the world! Hope you have a safe and Happy 4th- make sure to catch some fireworks- they always make us smile 🙂

xxo NDG&S