Crazy how time is flying by.

For a while there it seemed as though time was standing still.

Sitting here in the sunny spot in my kitchen  I have a photo of the girls – smack dab ahead. Often when I look into the faces of my girls  – I am boldly reminded of our wonderful life. I see their younger self, and remember them as if it were yesterday. I swear it’s nearly impossible to look at this photo of my children and not want to drive to their school right now, just to tell them how much I love every stitch of their being and then send them back into to class.

I’m like that.

I’m a lover.

I love easily, I love hard, I love completely. It’s exhausting sometimes, I know

I love out loud – no downside to that, no matter what anyone says.

It’s both my superpower and my kryptonite.

there’s first love and

passionate love, motherly love

unrequited love

loving so much it hurts – in a good way. Like it’s palpable – pretend you were shot, fall on the floor roll around kind of love.

summer love – a favorite – sun kissed, top down, tunes on.  Probably on my non-negotiable list – someone who really gets that.

transitional love – the most gentile.

toxic love

ridiculously distracting love – dangerous.

familial love – unconditional no matter how many times you fuck up, or cancel, or cry wolf in the middle of a Monday. Could be blood, or by the hands of God they are in your life. I’d be lost without these people, and completely isolated probably.

But today, June 8th I am especially reminded of married love.

Married love ebbs and flows.

It assumes what you need

It predicts

It’s exhausting at times.

Married love calls you out, but will stand by your side no matter what.

It’s comfortable

It’s fiery

It’s compromise and long late nights

It’s firm in foundation, often needing no words.

It’s parental

It’s honest – always.

It takes work, a lot of work.

It’s grateful, acknowledges without reason – if not just finally half a life later.

It’s settled. In a good way.

It dances, holds doors, carries bags, lets you enter a room first.

It holds you hair up when you need it and always stands behind you walking to communion. – funny, I know, but also non-negotiable.

It’s void of ego.

It’s every love song.

It’s the sun

and the moon

and the stars.

Today marks nineteen years from when I walked down the aisle  (was I supposed to stop counting at 17?) It was a beautiful day, although sweltering hot, but I’m a summer girl and a sucker for rose gardens.

I was 22. I had a honeymoon birthday, and we threw the exact party we wanted to throw. We were married in the Manner of Friends – Quaker Tradition, and our loved ones sent us off into “happily ever after” land with an evening of toasts, and quotes, and readings from the heart.

I didn’t have a crystal ball, I wasn’t sure it would work out, but I went forward down that path with a heart full of hope and reckless abandon. It wasn’t easy and I’m not sure who won in the end, but it was a deep, and all encompassing back pocket kind of love. I’ve shared many times there is no silver lining to losing your spouse, especially when I look at my kids, but without that Cancer, I am confident, I would never have known such love.

I’ve carried that energy forward with me, and it’s like flying first class, you can’t go back. I’t’s allowed my to listen to my heart, take care of myself, find more easeful ways and just take it in. It’s been raucous and funny, fall down and late night. It’s been quiet, and vulnerable and brave. It’s been proofreading and carpooling. It’s been dropping off lunches, watching track meets and days on the fields. It’s been Grace. Truly. It’s been Grace.

I’m not sure what the second half of my life holds, and thats a tough one for me for sure. What I do know is that I am happy, I am healthy, I am sitting in the breeze and after a weekend filled with some of my favorite people. I know that I know love.

There’s no sting today, no anguish, no tears. Just a reflection of what was, an appreciation of what is, and a big bold spirit on the rise. Inspired and confident – that if I follow my heart with the best of intentions, somehow the path will unfold.

Love big today.

Listen to your heart.

It just knows.