I paddled this gorgeous open space today. 

It was great to be on the water. In the midst of the most different summer I’ve had in years. In one short loop I found room to be at ease with what is, what was and what will be. It was remarkable, and freeing and literally brought me to tears. stroke after stroke on that open water. 

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind; seemingly some of the shortest weeks I’ve had in a long time. Strangely they don’t seem rushed, or panicked or dreadful of summer coming quickly to an end. Instead, just content – to be doing different things, different places with different people, connecting with our forever friends, appreciating opportunities to adventure, to explore and to create amazing memories with my girls and the people we love. Making space for change, instead of fighting it. 

It’s not been easy starting over. It takes time, it takes courage and it takes forging through the unknown, on your way to who knows where, with who knows who, doing who knows what. It means making decisions to make changes, to let go of the old ways and to focus my time and energy on rebuilding our life as we see fit. It means squeezing in squeezes with old friends and with cousins, and at times not getting to everything and everyone I’d like. (despite my best efforts and a healthy Uber account) 

I’ve learned I’m much better momma with a full battery, and that I love that job, as thankless and challenging as it can be. 

The healing at times has been slow going, but they say it takes years to pick up the pieces when your life seemingly falls apart. The road has been bumpy, and exhausting, tear filled and joyous, sometimes all in one single day, but as I sat there last night under the stars, as my crazy busy day wound down, I took a deep breath and thought, “man, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now” Last night’s “right now” was perfect. 

It’s been a long time coming – that content. And just when I stopped to say it out loud, I glanced up at the television and sure enough, Dean was there, once again, literally reaching out, as he crossed the finish line of the Broad Street Run, just a few short weeks before he passed. It was hauntingly evident – in the surreal way that you know when you know. It’s so cool to get live feedback, to continuously get cosmic high fives from the other side. They’ve been more frequent, more defined, more for sure unmistakably REAL.

I suppose its the space I’ve cleared as of late and the open pathway that was created his last days with us. It’s good to feel seen, it’s good to feel that while we are missing our main man here with us for the good stuff day in and day out, he’s always with us, and that he always, always has our back.

I’m excited for the new school year to begin, for the girls to be together, for my new workspace in Camden, my projects in Ardmore and whatever new endeavors might come my way. I’m excited for new beginnings, new goals, new dreams and ideas. Im am so grateful to have all of you along for the ride. 

Thank you Universe, for slowing me down enough to see clearly, for pointing me in the right direction and for landing me amongst some of the most generous and wonderful friends and family on the planet. For that, and today’s vast back bay paddle I am truly blessed.